


Bambi Defeats Godzilla

by Kantayra of Yore (Kantayra)



Category: Veronica Mars (TV)
Genre: Crack, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-03-18
Updated: 2006-03-18
Packaged: 2017-10-19 03:13:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,021
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/196246
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kantayra/pseuds/Kantayra%20of%20Yore
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hannah and Kendall meet. Insanity naturally ensues.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bambi Defeats Godzilla

**Author's Note:**

> This is crack!fic. Pure crack!fic. Because it's Hannah and _Kendall_. In the same room. See? Crack!fic. :P

Last summer, when Hannah and Kate and Melanie had been hanging out at the mall together, they’d been accosted by a crazy bag lady. They’d just been standing in the check-out lane, when out of the blue, this old woman wearing a thick striped fur coat and hat – right in the middle of the California summer – had come up to them and started ranting about bastard, stuck-up kids racing through the mall like wild horses, with no respect whatsoever for their elders. Then, she’d spat on the ground at their feet and run after a group of guys Hannah had recognized from the tennis team, going on about something involving car accidents. It had been a rather out-of-this-world experience, and Hannah couldn’t help but feel sorry for that old woman because she obviously wasn’t getting the help she so desperately needed.

Kendall Casablancas reminded Hannah a lot of that crazy bag lady.

“And, _honestly_ ,” Kendall exclaimed, face twisted up in disgust, “who the _hell_ do you think you are, anyway? Some little _nobody_ , that’s who, and…”

Hannah tuned out, eyes wide in stunned disbelief as Kendall’s face began to flush a deep crimson color. She glanced around the Neptune Grand suite nervously for Logan, but he still hadn’t gotten back from the store, it seemed. Leaving Hannah to fend with this complete and utter insanity all on her own…

“—Nothing but a stupid little girl, who doesn’t even have the common sense not to use her teeth, _hello_?” Kendall continued to rant on about her seemingly endless list of sexual conquests regarding Logan.

“That’s nice…” Hannah ventured with a calm, reassuring smile.

“And do _you_ need the money? Nuh- _uh_.” Kendall seemed to be able to switch to other illogical, dizzying topics without even breathing in between. “I mean, you’re what? _Twelve?_ It’s not like _your_ billionaire husband ran out without leaving you a damn cent, and _your_ sleazy stepson’s trying to turn you pro, and—”

Hannah slowly, gradually was becoming worried that, if Kendall didn’t pause to breathe soon, she’d collapse due to lack of oxygen. And, while that _would_ give Hannah the much-desired chance to escape, she liked to avoid medical disasters whenever possible.

“Hello?” Kendall demanded for the umpteenth time, snapping her fingers in Hannah’s face. “Are you even _listening_ to me, little girl?”

Hannah just smiled and nodded, eyes still wide at the complete and utter train-wreck that was occurring before her.

“Oh.” Kendall paused for one brief, blissful millisecond. “Good. And another thing: You don’t honestly think he’d settle for _you_ , right? I mean, after he’s had me and—”

Carefully, Hannah took one step back.

Kendall just stalked right up to her, invading her personal space once more and jabbing at her with one, pointed, red-painted fingernail. And those things looked about as long and sharp as knives. “—oh, don’t you even _try_ to get away, because I’ve got your number, missy. Oh yes. I know _exactly_ when that trust fund is coming through and—”

Hannah raised her hands in a cautious, defensive gesture, like she would if she encountered a nervous animal. Palms outward, showing that she meant absolutely no harm whatsoever. “Why don’t you just calm down…” she offered in a gentle, soothing voice, geared to tame even the insanest of the insane.

“…And I’ll bet you don’t even know what a pearl necklace _is_!” Kendall screeched over her, apparently oblivious to everything Hannah said. “I mean, really, who’s the one who’s actually _working_ for that money? ‘Cause it’s not you, honey. And—”

“Why don’t you take a nice, deep breath?” Hannah suggested with the most non-threatening smile she could manage. Which was pretty damn non-threatening. “I’m sure if you just take a moment to consider—”

“This ass takes _work_ , missy!” Kendall slapped the ass in question. “Three hours a day. And I’ve put in way too much time and effort—”

“—and we can just back nicely away…” Hannah was inching towards the door now, and Kendall was following right after her.

“—I mean, _c’mon_ , you’ll need implants for one, to even be in the running! And have _you_ ever played buckin’ bronco for the _real_ Broncos? I don’t think so! And if you think for one moment—”

“…That’s right. Keep ignoring everything I’m saying and follow me right out the door…” Hannah felt the knob against her back and breathed a sigh of relief. She twisted it slowly and backed out into the hallway, Kendall’s nail still jabbed painfully into her shoulder.

“—that I’m going to give up _millions_ for some cute-as-pie little school-girl, then you are terribly, horribly, _sadly_ mis—”

In a lightning quick move, Hannah ducked under Kendall’s arm and dashed past her back into the suite.

“—tak—”

The door slammed shut in Kendall’s face, followed by the sound of the latch being fastened.

“—en?” Kendall froze in shock and disbelief for a second, before shaking her head in disgust. “Rude, much?” she shouted through the door before stalking her way to the elevator. Ah well, she’d made her point. That little girl didn’t stand a chance in hell.

“Showed _her_ ,” Kendall said smugly to herself, touching up her lipstick using the reflection on the elevator doors.

And, back in suite, Hannah bit her lip and shook her head before picking up her phone and dialing Logan’s number. He picked up on the second ring.

“I’m just in the parking lot,” he offered, sounding rushed. “So?”

She bit her lip and smiled. “Okay, so you were right. Your ex really _is_ insane.”

She could hear him chuckle at the other end. “Did she fully explain the ins and outs of my stock portfolio to you?”

“Oh, yeah. I also may have just gotten a guided tour of your ass.”

He gulped, and she tried not to laugh.

“Oh, and Logan?”

“Mmm?” he asked nervously.

“What’s this about a ‘pearl necklace’?”

“Rocky road!” His voice came back in almost a squeak. “I got you rocky road. I’m coming right up.” He hung up.

And she just grinned to herself. Honestly, how naïve did he think she was? _Please_.

She always had Google.


End file.
